A Tale of Two Churches
I want to tell you a tale of two churches.
When my ex filed for divorce, we met with the elders at our church and in this meeting, I was deeply wounded. I didn’t actually have the language at the time to really explain what was going on. They let him yell at me, his face red and hands raised, quoting scriptures at me. When I went to defend myself, one elder held a finger up at me and said, “let him finish.” I was never actually given the chance to respond. Later, an elder told me they were impressed I was still going to church unless I was “showing up just to be seen.” When I asked for financial help, they said no because so many people try to abuse the system. (There was an application process I could go through but ultimately chose not to.) They watched my ex pursue what they deemed to be an unbiblical divorce. Even though he dragged me to court often, they still treated me like I was “abusing the system” by asking for financial help. They even said they wanted to be friends with him still. My ex father in law was a pastor and he spoke with the elders before we did, and I felt like the “boys club” won out over discernment, grace, and compassion.
Before that, the day I was served papers, I happened to be at home with my family. I texted a family friend from a different church and asked if she could pray for me. She said, “why don’t we meet tonight at 7 in the chapel.” My sister was driving me and the second we turned the corner into the parking lot we burst into tears. To my surprise, the parking lot was completely full of cars- people there ready to pray for me. We walked in and so many people were there, almost every pastor at the church and friends and family. One of the worship pastors was there and led some songs and then they asked me to speak and wanted to know how I wanted them to pray. (I love that they gave me a voice in this way.) They asked if I had everything I needed- some gave me money, some ordered me meals when I went back to Texas, some sent clothes for me and my daughter. They texted often to ask for updates and how they could be praying. I felt incredibly loved- but more than that, I felt like the prayers of those saints were what ultimately enabled me to move home.
Church hurt is a complicated thing. When people hurt you during your darkest time (while calling it religion) it only adds to your trauma. But we also have to recognize two things:
1. Not every church responds the same way
2. Sometimes people respond poorly not out of a wicked heart but out of an uneducated one.
There are absolutely wolves in sheep’s clothing out there- but one way you can tell is if they are willing to be honest about their role in adding to your pain. I never actually went back to that church and explained how they could have handled things better. Maybe they would be humble and hear me out, I really don’t know. I’ve learned a lot since then that I could share, but at the time I was in survival mode and didn’t even understand in the moment that it was unloving. Sometimes we don’t realize it until we look back, or until someone loves us the right way.
I think it’s ok to walk away from a church that has hurt you, but I also hope you realize there are so many people willing to love you and help you…so many people that are actually the hands and feet of Jesus. The church isn’t a building but a people… “Don’t you know that you yourselves are Gods temple and that Gods spirit dwells in your midst?” 1 Corinthians 3:16
For whoever is reading this and going through the darkest time of their life… maybe God wants you to one day be a voice in the church that can give knowledge and build empathy & compassion among believers. YOU are the church and when you love the people around you well, you are healing church hurt.
You don’t need to stay in a church that refuses to love you well- esp in the height of your trauma. And at the same time, you can draw in to God and be fully loved and seen. I hope by being here, you can know that even if a church has wounded you or misunderstood you, I see you. God sees you. Your story matters and God is going to certainly do something with it. You are loved.
